your jumpy and a whole humpy

Crackjag. The name, the man, the legend. Brilliant strategist, compassionate lover, courageous leader, hacker extraordinaire, and the sexiest mofo you will ever meet.

straight from the blubbery lips of the stunted ‘vigilante’ for you.

The original (Phelps-themed) one is here

Also I should probably clarify that most of these don’t sound any less horrible/creepy/nonsensical in context

“Truth: I really enjoyed hating her.  It was exhilarating.  It gave me energy.  Sure, it almost got me kicked out of school when I wrote a poem filled with profanity and creative insults pointed in her direction, but this grudge was one of one of my most intimate relationships for four years.  It was fundamental to who I was.”

“The thing is, in all her success, she often collaborated with other people, though I was never included in that number.  As always, I was the guy who was excluded.  As talented as I was, it was very difficult to do anything visionary when I worked alone.  Imagine is our powers were combined.  Together, we could rule the galaxy.”

“So the strange analogy that my mind came up with, which was quite jarring at first, is that a marriage is sort of like a business deal.  The wife comforts the husband’s soul and the husband guards the wife’s heart, but what are heart and soul for?”

“Intellectual intimacy will surely lead to an emotional attachment after enough “leisure to digest”.  Most people are familiar with the sensations of a pleasurable or otherwise desirable emotional bond.  Speaking from experience, I’ve known the sensation of happiness when my inamorata was happy, which was pleasurable, and sadness when she was sad, which wasn’t pleasurable but nevertheless desirable.”

“This entry was a school assignment, but its content has been edited from its original form so as not to break BZPower’s guidelines on religion, which it had at first broken profusely.”

“I’m not any other guy.  I’m female.  It’s not that I have a crush on anyone, but because I’m a girl I think the world of you boys.  I admire you because you’re all slightly different from me in a way that I could never become, and it completes me.  You never see it because I never show it, afraid that you’ll think I’m swooning.” 

“To this day Mr. Tacke remains my favorite teacher, even though I never had him, and I dedicate my fictional general Lucy, who was originally inspired by Mewtwo, after him, as they share the same toughness.  I’m sure Mewtwo would actually resemble Mr. Tacke quite closely after he grew old enough.”

“There’s an idea that girls fall in love with guys that remind them of their fathers.  Some people assume the same is true in reverse.  In my case, that might have been true.  The primary thing I saw in her was her kindness, much like my mother’s.  At first.  Later the first thing that came to mind was how hard working she was for her parents on the farm, and recently she helped build a set in the school theater, and I was in great awe of her character.  In this way she captures the best distinctions of my father.  Both of my parents, really.”

“Those who I don’t know well are dull grays.  I know a few like that.  Most of the people I knew there were a shade of green.  One of them was hyper and enjoyed welding, so he was different.  He was neon orange.”

“The assistant was bothered when I described myself as a creep.  To her, it was one of the most disturbing things I said.  In the American culture, the name Benedict Arnold is a synonym for traitor.  In my personal vocabulary, the name Edward Cullen is a synonym for creep.”

“Of course, then there’s the fact that she’s a girl.  A cute one.  That’s why I am uneasy.  Whenever I want to talk to a significant girl I can’t help but worrying that I might be as creepy as Edward Cullen.  If you are a die hard fan of Twilight or just simply don’t know what I am talking about, look up “Buffy vs. Edward Cullen” on Google and click the first result.”

“My father is a dark brown.  He roughly corresponds to the element of earth, and thus is represented by earthy tones.  He comes in a dark shade because of my rocky relationship with him.”